Stockings for Bank Robbers

VienneMilano
4 min readMar 29, 2024

Are you sick of raiding your grandmother’s drawer for the appropriate bank heist gear? Tired of tights tearing mid-robbery while you’re trying to tear away? We say enough!

Are you planning on giving your bank account the boost it needs by robbing a bank soon? If so, we’ve got just the thing for you. At VienneMilano, we know how dispiriting it can be to have to reach into your grandmother’s drawers every time you’re preparing for a night at the bank. Plus, pulling on the same old skin-color material gets wearisome after a while, right?

You’re not Alone

According to research, 56% of bank robbers said they’re unsatisfied with the quality of their stockings, while a whopping 89% said:

they wished they had the chance to express themselves in their job.”

At VienneMilano, we think this is criminal. Bank robbers and stockings are a match made in heaven and history. As long as thieves have existed, they’ve needed some way to hide their identity.

Why Our Stockings are Fabulous for Heists:

They’re soft and comfortable: You’ll feel fabulous from start to finish of your money-grabbing ventures because who needs to be pulling at their makeshift mask when there are dollars to be grabbed?

They Stay up: Reliability when you need it most. Just because you’re committing a crime doesn’t mean your stockings should. They won’t rip or tear, meaning you can focus on what matters: finding the vaults.

A variety of styles: Just because you can’t show your face, doesn’t mean you can’t you’re your shine. Creativity shines from the inside out, meaning that you can show the world exactly who you are without showing just who you are … you know? The last thing you need mind-robbery

Flattering: Our stockings sculpt your features and make you look more attractive when the CCTV footage is played on the news.

Wear anywhere: When we say we have stockings for every occasion, we mean every occasion. Our wide range of styles, from fishnet to opaque, means that you can choose how much skin to bear. Which begs the question…

Really, it depends on what CCTV you’ll be captured on. If you think it’ll be grainy, our fabulous fishnets could do just the trick, obscuring your identity while still allowing you to see clearly. Anywhere on the denier scale, 10 to 40 should be off-limits. Beyond that, the material is thick enough so that your pores won’t show up on camera.

A tip for you to steal: Did you know that our stockings double up as heist bags? They’re incredibly portable and stretch to hold more without tearing. This means you can keep stuffing out stockings until they’re brimming. All you have to do is tie a knot in the legs, and you’re good to go!

Why not treat your band of bandits to their very own VienneMilano pair? You can match, complement, or contrast to your heart’s delight! Who knows? You may even steal the limelight from all the others and claim your spot as America’s Most Wanted — if there’s an America’s Most Desired list, our stockings will put you on it.

You don’t have to rob a bank to afford our stockings; thanks to our 15% off code: SOLIDBANDIT, you can land yourself a steal — enjoy!

Disclaimer: We’d like to say that this is, and nothing but, an April Fool’s Joke (sorry to disappoint any bank robbers out there.) In the spirit of the jokester day, we thought we’d poke fun at the old-school archetype of thieves wearing stockings over their heads to hide their identities. In case anyone was left uncertain, at VienneMilano, we don’t support or advocate for bank robbers.

Originally published at https://viennemilano.com on March 29, 2024.

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VienneMilano

VienneMilano is a luxury hosiery brand dedicated to thigh high stockings. All of our products are made in Italy using only the most exquisite materials.